Kabuki Quantum Fighter Review
by Daryn


This is one game that could possibly win the award for most screwed-up game of all time. This is one of those kinds of games that can completely mess up a kid's head and scar them for life. In the distant future, a virus program is taking over the world's Nuclear Weapons System. The only way to combat this problem is to take it to its source - that means traveling inside a computer. Some typical video-game scientists who have no clue what they're doing have created an "Image Transfer System" that will transfer the mind of a human being into the computer. Anyone care to guess what the only problem with the machine is? If you didn't say, "It's completely untested", you need to bone up on your clichés. So they have no clue what form the human mind will take inside the computer.

The man chosen for the mission is Colonel Scott O'Conner, who is supposedly well-trained in body and spirit, but he looks more like some sort of freakin' mutated mouse. So once he's in the Image Transfer System, what form does the mind of a colonel with an Irish name take inside the computer? A Japanese Kabuki fighter. That's right folks. The fate of the world's Nuclear Weapons Systems is now in the hands of a ballet dancer. So with all this high-tech stuff being used here and there, what type of weapon does this guy get. His hair. No, you read that right. He uses his hair. His hair and some measly chips that don't do shit. What amazes me is, that this doesn't worry any of these scientists. Can you imagine the President, or some other important person of high rank, asking these scientists what they are using to combat alien forces from gaining control of the world's nuclear weapons, and the answer is, "a ballet dancer with a really cool head of hair!"

KQF is another case of a cross-dressing hero getting left with tablescraps. Okay, his outfit doesn't look like a skirt, but he does look like a woman. If I didn't force myself to sit through that damn boring opening sequence and see the part where they tell you about his true identity, I would've thought it was a woman. This game was also touted as having "the best play control ever". Apparently the only other game the person who wrote that has played is Ironsword. Moving left and right isn't a problem, it's the damn diagonal jumps! Half the time, you fly right into an enemy that you didn't even know was there, because it appeared on the screen halfway into your jump!

KQF could win the award for most unconvincing game of all time. The enemies and backgrounds look like they were lifted from Ninja Gaiden or Batman: The Video Game. Once again, I don't know how this game ends, because I've never finished it. I don't know if our little Kabuki hero ever saves the world from the invading aliens in the end, but even if he does, it makes little difference to me, since I wouldn't believe it, anyway.

My breakdown of this game:
Story: 1 - They made an attempt. It was the thought that counted.
Graphics: 6 - They aren't that bad, but they aren't that good either. They just look like they were taken right out of Batman and Ninja Gaiden, right down to the beating hearts in the walls.
Sound: 4 - Some of the music is good, some gave me a headache (please do yourself a favor and turn the volume down while watching the opening sequence, that is, if you don't fall asleep while watching it), and the boss music is probably the corniest thing I've ever heard in a video game.
Play Control: 4 - Please see the section above about the play control.
Hero Rating: 5 - Despite how ludicrous this game is, I really think Kabuki Man is a cool guy. Perhaps he expresses Colonel Scott O'Conner's strange, secret desire to be a ballet dancer, or perhaps his womanly figure is representative of Scott coming to terms with his sexuality. Whatever the case, you have to respect a guy who tries to save the world's nuclear weapons using only his hair.
Overall Rating: 4 - Maybe I would've scored this game higher, but I've never gotten past Round 4. With play control being as bad as this, they didn't need to introduce ice patches and conveyor belts that make it even worse. Maybe someday I will finish it, just to see if Kabuki Man ever meets up with Freakazoid or the Lawnmower Man. Now THAT would make this game more believable!