Ikari Warriors Review
by Daryn


If you've never played Ikari Warriors, and don't know what it looks like, let me try to describe it to you: Ikari Warriors looks like what would happen if you gave Playskool people popguns, had kindergarteners draw backdrops, and have the local elementary school band compose the music. The game begins with a plane crashing into the jungle. Out pop two Playskool Rambo twins who start firing their little popguns at everyone in sight. It is practically impossible to aim, your fat little Playskool men walk extremely slow, and it is almost impossible to avoid getting hit. I am renaming this game, "ABBA". ABBA. You wanna know why I'm renaming this game ABBA? BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT CODE, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL YOU'LL EVER GO MUCH FURTHER THAN 5 FEET!

I'm just wondering, who thought this game would be fun. If it's not bad enough that one person should have to suffer through this disaster, but the game has 2-player simultaneous mode. I don't even wanna think how many siblings are no longer speaking, how many friendships were broken, how many marriages ended in divorce, or how many gay couples turned straight after having tried to cooperate in this game. Of course, they did make an attempt at adding some variety by giving you the ability to jump into a really flat tank and shoot cannonballs. In fact, you can bowl people over with the tank, assuming you can keep it from getting destroyed. Of course, the tanks's controls are almost as bad as the Playskool men's controls.

I didn't think anything could possibly be longer and more boring than The English Patient, until I saw the levels in Ikari Warriors. They are incredibly long, and repetitious. Of course, there's only 4 levels, but they are so long, and the men move so slow, you will probably only have about 3 hairs left on your head by the time you're done. The same horrible music plays for the almost the entire duration of the game. It only changes to something even more annyoing when you reach a new area of the level, or the boss. And speaking of bosses....

Throughout this whole game, I was trying to figure out the story. Okay, there really is no story. This is just a typical, "Rambo vs. Evil Terrorists" story, with Playskool people playing the roles. However, I have to draw some conclusions from this. One of these conclusions, is that, in order for someone to be stupid enough to confront them, then they must be a threat to the whole world. Also, they must have some kind of evil mastermind that they take their orders from....which leads us to the "thing" at the end of Level 3...If you haven't seen it, I think that is the one thing that makes Ikari Warriors worth all the neck-stiffening trouble to play it. That is the most fucked-up thing I have ever seen in my entire life as a video gamer.

Apparently, the terrorists' mastermind, is a giant, rotting, dead man sitting in a chair behind a desk. I don't even think it attacks you. I would love to know if someone on the internet has a picture of that thing. If so, I would like to make copies of it, and email it to all my worst enemies. Although I imagine it is probably illegal to put something that could be so potentially damaging on the interenet where millions of impressionable minds could see it. Thankfully, they stuck this thing all the way at the end of level three, with the thought that most people would be smart enough to realize by the midway point of Level 1, that this game was too horrible to go any further. For those of us dumb enough to continue on, we will forever be scarred for life.

Unlike some of these other awful games, I have finsihed Ikari Warriors. (Yes, I did manage to get over my fear of that thing at the end of level 3, but believe me, that's the whole reason Psykosuma was created. Things like that can change a person.) If anyone else does, they will probably say to themselves, "Now why did I just do that?" I don't remember too well what the final boss looked like. After seeing the dead man in the chair, there was just nothing else to see. I think he should get his own game!

My breakdown of this game:
Story: 0 - Better stories can be found inside fortune cookies.
Graphics: 1 - One point for the dead man in the chair.
Sound: 0 - Imagine hering the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, at the same time as a bunch of pots and pans being banged together, and while Celine Deon is singing, "My Heart Will Go On" in the background, and you'll get a slight idea of how horrible this game's music and sound is.
Play Control: 0 - It's easier to lift a Buick with your teeth than control your men.
Hero Rating: 0 - If only they were REAL Playskool men, it would have been ALOT more fun!
Overall: 0.5 - I have to give some credit to the dead man in the chair. Any guy who can keep his men from taking his orders long after he's dead and decaying, must be a really good motivational speaker.