Hydlide Review
by Daryn


This is going to be a very short review. Mainly because I have no idea what you are supposed to do in this game. If I can even call it a "game" that is. Sometimes, I just turn the game on and wait for a screen to pop up that says, "HA HA! FOOLED YOU!! AND YOU THOUGHT YOU JUST BOUGHT A GAME!! WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THE JOKE'S ON YOU, SUCKER! HAHAHHHAHAHAHA!!" Of course, it hasn't happened, yet, but I'm still waiting. Hydlide is one of the first "RPGs" to appear on the NES. I've heard many people say, "I've never played a bad RPG. I think they're all good." If I were a sadistic and homicidal person, I would let them borrow my copy of Hydlide.

Our story begins with the game playing some sort of screwed-up version of the Indiana Jones theme on the title screen. Next we're treated to a cut-scene of the game's story: A dragon wiggles his little fingers, fires a lightning bolt at a princess, and she turns into 3 fairies, which float away. Now, for some reason, this inspires a little boy/knight named Jim to wander around in a field and kill himself. I'm not kidding. Unless I'm doing something wrong, that's about all I see happening. The field is filled with these little blue worm-like things, and you are supposed to walk up to, and fight them. Hitting the B button is supposed to make you attack. However, I walk up to the damn slime, and it KILLS ME! After watching this happen about 52 times, (okay, I was realllly bored one night), I came to the conclusion, that I am, in fact, doing it right. You are supposed to die. That can be the only explanation. Probably this first area is the only area there really is in the whole game, and they just want you to die over and over again.

Actually, I think this game was part of a conspiracy. Here's my theory: T&E Soft, FCI, and PonyCanyon were known as good producers of RPGs for the PC before the days of the NES. When the NES picked up steam, and started dominating the game market, these companies lost sales. Therefore, they teamed up with a master plan. Their plan was to try to prove to people just how "awful" NES games are. So they produced this terrible piece of crap, and put "RPG" on it, knowing people who liked PC RPGs would buy it. When people played it, or at least attempted to "play" it, they were completely horrified and began causing riots in the streets. The riots ended when all copies of Hydlide, with the exception of mine, were destroyed, and people were scared away from RPGs for almost a decade.

I can't even begin to tell you how bad the graphics are. The entire playing area is a small box about 2 inches wide and 2 inches long. The rest of the screen is filled with your status information, all surrounded by ugly purple bricks. Everything in the playing field is extremely small, and monumentally ugly. The way the screen scrolls is so choppy, it might make you think there's something wrong with the vertical hold on your TV. Now let's face it, early RPGs like Dragon Warrior and Ultima didn't have very good graphics at all. But just try to imagine an early RPG with the worst graphics you ever saw. Now, if you can picture something ten times worse, you have Hydlide. And don't even get me started on the sound. So far, the only thing I've heard is that fragged version of the Raiders March from Indiana Jones, sounding as though it's being played on a music box.

I can't even think of one thing I could consider "fun" about this game, unless you enjoy watching your game character die over and over again. I'm sorry to cut this review a little short, but I just didn't see anything else happening, other than Jim spinning to his death over and over again, and quite frankly, I'm surprised I got this much out of it.

My breakdown of this game:
Story: 0 - The only way I could possibly associate a "story" with anything that goes on here, is by listening to that Indiana Jones theme and reminiscing about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Graphics: 0 - I've seen better artwork on parent's refrigerators.
Sound: 0 - Even the Indiana Jones theme can't save this sorry soundtrack.
Play Control: 0 - Moving around isn't hard. I just wish I, or maybe Jim, knew how to fight.
Hero Rating: 1 - I have to give Jim a little bit of credit. He's probably died more times than any other video game hero. Possibly more times than all other game heroes combined, yet he keeps going. Nothing stops him from walking up to that blue slimy worm thing and getting killed all over again. Go! Jim! Go! One day you'll get him! You can do it, Jim! Just say.....ooohhh..well, better luck next time, Jim!
Overall: 0.5 - Hey, come on, it is an RPG, right? Okay that was too generous.