Athena Review
by Daryn


There are some things I've come across in life that can make a person wish they've never been born. Athena is one of them. It's brought to you by the same geniuses who were responsible for Ikari Warriors. You play as Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom and War. However, it would appear not too much wisdom went into the creation of this title, and the only war you'll see going on is the struggle with yourself to figure out whatever possessed you to buy this game in the first place. She is on a quest to find the dress she loses in the game's opening sequence, and she'll try on every piece of ill-fitting, ugly-colored piece of armor along the way. I usually like to pound on the most horrible aspect of game first, but when everything is as equally bad, like it is in Athena, I don't know where to start.

Athena is animated like Terrence and Phillip on South Park, only less fluid. She has an enormously oversized head atop a pencil-shaped, straight body. Until she has a weapon, her only method of attack, is a robotic-like kick. When she does get a weapon, you'll be wondering if this really is the Goddess of War, because she obviously has no idea how to use it. Her weapons include clubs, hammers, small swords, a not-so-powerful bow, and an electric guitar (well, that's what it looked like to me.) All the fine weapons the Goddess of War can use.

It's quite obvious this game was supposed to be aimed at little girls. Not only because of the female character, but also the cutesy-pootsy characters that look like My Little Ponies gone bad, the god-awful music that sounds like a broken music box, and the strange ability to "dress up" Athena in all kinds of colorful armor, which never really seem to do anything other than make her head look bigger. If that's not enough to make you barf already, little flowers pop up as you walk along, and they turn into life-restoring hearts when you pick them. Yup! This game is a feminist's nightmare. Athena pretty much set back female video game characters a few years, and she's the whole reason other heroines like Samus Aran had to hide their gender when they got starring roles.

The graphics and music of Athena are equally as horrible. But the sound effects are possibly the most annoying sounds in the known universe. Now you would think a game that's based on Athena would take place in ancient Greece with mythical monsters as your foes. Your enemies include teddy bears in armor, horseheaded men, those little slimes from Crystalis, elven archers, and a creature that looks like Cookie Monster among others. The first boss is an attacking monster tree, and the second boss, as you might expect, is the Frankenstein Monster. All the usual monsters you find in Greek Mythology. But I guess this is what happens when you have people design the graphics who are either too young or too retarded to even know what Greek Mythology is. Apparently, Athena's only god-like powers are the ability to run around smashing bricks with her head, and making a complete fool of herself. ,p>If Athena had been the first game I ever played, I probably would've never picked up a controller again. It's hard to believe the company that would eventually create one of the greatest games of all time, Crystalis, started out with crap like this and Ikari Warriors. If ever a game could cause severe bouts of naseua, this one would be it.

My breakdown of Athena:
Story: 0 - Many stories are inspired by Greek Mythology. If you look at a lot of games' stories, you can see the references and similarities to Greek Myths. Athena managed to pull off the impossible feat of being a game based on Geek Mythology, with having absolutely nothing in it that could be connected to myths of any sort.
Graphics: 1 - Okay, I liked the Cookie Monster and the Crystalis Slimes, but that was about it.
Sound: 0 - Take the most annoying sound you know and multiply it about a thousand times, and it still wouldn't compare to how maddening this game's music and sound effects are.
Control: 0 - If you can figure out how to get Athena to make the correct jump and the correct height when you need her to, let me know.
Hero Rating: 0 - This is the worst embarrassment that could possibly happen to female video game least until Barbie came along..
Overall: 0.5 - Hey! Replacing mythical beasts like the Minotaur and the Griffon with Cookie Monster and Frankenstein takes some guts!



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